Petra's Pantyhose Parade – Between me and my Calvin’s

Dear dear depilated and leggy friends. Far from the glimmering finish line we are, but we can take comfort not only from the electric thrill of lycra-rich sheers on our collective thighs, but also from the emerging reality that, with your patience, my formula for judging the merits of pantyhose is now standing up well to repeated scrutiny.

For the first 4 weeks of Petra’s Pantyhose Parade some new discovery or unconsidered consideration caused me to slink back to the math and tweak my too too complex matrix. Recently however, the formula has been rock solid and returned to me results true, O so true. The numbers and my legs have a perfectly straight back-seam line. All that is required now is time immeasurable and a 7 figure bailout to fund an epic shopping spree. With those 2 small, small gifts I am confident I can return to you a gold standard, a true north, a magic touchstone that fully reveals the good, the bad and the saggy of the entire loving world of Pantyhose.

Failing those little gifts, I will continue to deliver it here in weekly increments.

Again, the ground rules:

I seek no favors from the selfless merchants who labor long to clothe our legs. I am beyond corruption. That is to say, I am so irredeemably corrupted by life itself that a new pair or 2 of free tights would barely get my attention. If, however, you are a senior VP of marketing of such a firm who might look kindly on me and my sisters, I promise to distribute your largesse (container loads only please) fairly. Ship me what you can. I will line up the ladies, from thinnest to thickest ankles, and make your hose proud, so proud.

If, however, you are in a position of influence or responsibility at Calvin Klein, I have a ’97 Screaming Eagle Cabernet Sauvignon with your name on it simply for bringing the CK Matte Ultra Sheer Control Top Pantyhose to the attention of my many friends and I. You are my hero.

I splashed out a bit at a Macy’s last week. Lovely assistant who knew my size in a knowing top-to-toe glance. I knew in a glance as well that I wanted her boots. But that is for another day.

On this day I am compelled to report that caramel can be woven into a 20 Denier sheer fabric. Yes the label indicates 14% Lycra and the rest (minus the cotton gusset) in nylon, but they are lying, damn them, lying! If not for the diminishing flexibility that comes with advancing years, I would gladly have eaten my own thigh once my Calvin’s glided into place.

Forgive me, it is difficult to not be rhapsodic about these pantyhose. I will go now to bullet point mode and attempt to regain my newly shredded journalistic credentials:

• A nearly liquid feel. You expect ripples when you touch them


• Tight, even yarn that moves on the leg, but is in sure and constant touch


• Fashion forward reinforcement – clean lines between leg and panty right at the hinge of the thigh


• Sewn-in CK logo provides easy retrieval from crowded, chaotic hosiery drawers


• A healthy nude shade not exactly like any other I own called Praline. It looks like a tan of a far wealthier women than I


• Holds shape as though life itself (if not fashion) depended on it, and


• Possessed of an X factor that just makes you feel like a thousand fragrant kisses.

And this by the way from someone who is not much impressed with labels. I am not easily moved by a big brand, friends. But I do know how to fall in love.

And here I am. Smitten. Hopelessly so. And I don’t mind.

The current champ, Nordstrom Sheers have been effortlessly flicked off the pedestal with a massive ~33% improvement in Petra Pantyhose Points. The adjusted top 3 are charted here. And there is now nothing between me and my Calvin’s, but the next pretender to the throne. I urge you to look under the couch cushions (and do bend at the knee for the love of god) to scrape together the necessary $12.00. If you cannot manage that, drop me a line, and I will create a distraction by attempting to steal the Macy’s Sales Assistant boots. That may provide you the cover required to fill your handbag with these pantyhose of evidently unrivalled quality.