Dec 12, 2009

A Short Post a Long Time in the making

Dear Friends,

I have been busy thinking and writing this week, and not only for the blog. I have just finished drafting a condensed cross dressers autobiography. Autobiographies of course want an audience, and I have a special one. My wife.

We have some time set aside this afternoon. In fact, we organized things such that we both have the social decks cleared fully for the rest of the weekend. In December no less. No obligations, no contractors under-foot. A couple of beautiful dogs staring at us wondering why the hell we are not either going walkies or at the least scratching their bellies, and the only knocks on the door likely to come from Jehovahs Witnesses or other such vendors of salvation.

Well, all the salvation I require today can be found in honesty I suspect. I have owed my wife that honesty, in full measure, for as long as I have realized that cross dressing and my general explorations of my fuller self was simply not going to bloom, fall of the stem and die. As long as I have obscured this in my home, our shared home, I have made the home less loving than it deserves to be, than it needs to be to flourish and grow. There is stress in the life that my wife and I share, and perhaps some, perhaps much of it stems from my cross dressing.

I suspect though, that more of the stress, and friction, and heated moments are related to my lack of openness about it, the burden of carrying around a pretty big deceit.

So I will be sharing a well considered and honest couple of pages of notes, and then opening the floor up to questions this afternoon.

I must tell you that while I have some fluttering nerves about it all, I am more possessed of a tranquil resolve. I can almost taste the relief that comes from unburdening. I am not under-estimating the potential for negative, emotional, and hurt outcomes from this disclosure. But I am convinced that non-disclosure is putting us on a track to the similar and perhaps bigger hurts.

It is time. Past time. This is my duty.

I do promise to update you with news. I hope you will forgive me if it takes a little while. I really have no instrumentation available to me that would helpfully indicate that clear skies are “x” miles ahead on bearing “y”. Similar with comment moderation. Love you all dearly, but my focus will be rightly elsewhere for the forseeable future.

Do wish me a little luck though, and think a nice thought in your busy weekend friends. And again, let me thank you for visiting. Finding an outlet here at Voyages en Rose for my thoughts has really helped me get to this necessary day. Looking forward to sharing new days with you all sometime soon.



Leah said...

Dear Petra... you've taken the first step, that of telling the truth. I know it is hard for your wife to know the truth but it is a lot better to suffer with the truth than to live in lies.

I admire you for your honesty and for your sincerity. I can feel that you are a real person even if we only interact via our blogs or via emails.

The truth will set you free...


Lynn Jones said...

> some fluttering nerves
> about it all

Putting glib comments aside (for once), I think the only way it wouldn't affect you, is if you didn't care about Mrs B. I don't get that vibe from your blog at all. You could argue that you've held off telling her because you care too much. It's a tough place to be.

If I may say, you're being very brave and I wish you - and your wife - lots of luck.


Leslie Ann said...

As much as anyone, I think I understand how you feel about this. Please know that my heart is with the two of you, wanting desperately for someone to get this balancing act right. I'm slamming my head up against a lost cause, but you might give me a little hope.

No pressure, right? Love ya, Petra.

Your pal,

Petra Bellejambes said...

Thanks all. It is a good, good day.

More details in the not too distant.

Thanks for the notes and hopes

- P

Treacle said...

Good luck, Petra. I'll be thinking of you.

I haven't forgotten about the letter you sent, by the way. I just haven't had the time lately to sit and give it a proper response. :-)

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