Petra’s Pantyhose Parade – Anti-Pantyhose Defamation League Edition

Darlings, two things, first: Don’t believe everything you read.

Some samples for your consideration:

…They too got quite a large run in them the first day, it's continued to get larger….
… don't plan on taking them up and down more than a few times before you have an enormously wide runner …
… First wearing yielded several holes and runs. Nail polish patches. Second wearing? Huge runs and they went in the trash, (and lastly)
… I wore them for one day....there are multiple holes & runs in them already.

These comments, gleaned from the Target web site, were read before I purchased (and with no small trepidation friends), this weeks model and sliding them under my high resolution thighcroscope©. You can imagine, I was prepared for a let down. Happily, a let down that did not happen. I was reminded of something a rather wise person said to me under forgotten circumstances years ago, and so secondly: A good carpenter never blames the tools.

Now, before I go to this weeks product review I want to tug on your scarf a second. Ladies and sometimes gentle men, take your time dressing, take care while dressed, and take care undressing. Please. Yes, I understand that life is busy and that we have many pressing demands. But dressing is a nice ritual, so take an extra minute, catch your breath, and be mindful of what you are doing. This will not only help you look great and feel comfortable, but will allow you to get value for your money. When that happens you will likey spend more time being happy about your choices, and that cannot be bad.

Before naming and reviewing the slighted tights, I will refer you (you genetic girls and full-time women too), to two helpful links:

For a primer on hosiery care please visit the erudite Tights Lover at
The Panty Drawer . Sound advice.

For a game-changing, step by step tutorial on how to correctly don a pair of tights, take a minute after that with Shapings.com. For those of us made neither of money or porcelain, knowing these things will help.

And now, back to our previously scheduled programming. Thank you for your patience.

Long time readers of these Voyages en Rose know that I harbor a smoldering crush on the founder and leader of the Spanx empire, Sara Blakely. Smarts, initiative, innovation and beauty, there is a lot to like. Truly, the world owes here a little round of applause for breathing modern life into a foundation garment industry in long decline. Her Power Panty’s helped raise consciousness about butt and belly shaping aids, and in so doing, brought them out of the intimate recesses of the boudoir and into the boardroom. This ever growing class of underthings have, in the process of their popularization, eradicated an aggregate length of visible panty lines that would stretch to the moon and back. God bless Sara.

I had worn (quite happily) the Spanx High Waisted sheers in the past, but for a couple of reasons did not review them here. My formula is built to evaluate standard issue sheers and was not as kind to Sara as her super-reinforced, stealth technology shaping hose were to me. I wanted to redress her absence from my rankings here this week, and so picked up a pair of the Spanx value brand entry, Assets by Sara Blakely. Assets can be found at Target amongst other such places, while the principal and pricier brand, Spanx, is found typically in slightly more upmarket shops. At the top end is the Haute Contour line, luxurious figure fixing finery to be loved and desired surely, but for me, shunned until I get down to 1 mortgage payment.

In any event, about the Perfect Pantyhose. I will first focus on the unique, and superb element of these hose that I would want to see on everything I wear. An absolutely superb waistband (pictured above). Broad, soft and sure, with a gentle, accordioned elastic that breathes with the fortunate and flattered form contained therein. It is the very height of comfort. Throughout the panty, the weave has a strong bias against being hoisted unattractively above ones skirt line, which, given how much time I spent propped up on high bar stools is a key consideration.

Modesty preserved then, let us travel now in a southerly direction. Superb comfort, excellent fit, and all the smoothing and trimming elements that both cross dressers and any women desirous of a flatter tummy requires. Booty territory gets some attention too with a little lifting effect in the right place. Thigh slimming reinforcement runs to roughly 4” down-leg and fuses smoothly with the sheer boot portion. Lastly on fabrication, the toe seam is very subtly and beautifully finished. Sandal ready, again provided you put a moments care into pulling them on.

Clearly, in construction, this is a garment meant to withstand long days, and many of them, notwithstanding the harsh words from the reviews above. I have now given these 2 full days of wear and one washing. Good as new. A very durable feel without the sacrifice of any of the nice feminine softness that we want from our prettiest things. And now, to the leg, where the feel, finish and fashion elements show.

From mid-thigh to tip-top, this well elasticized 16% Lycra run resistant yarn has a nice dressy, but not flashy look. I suspect they are close to 15 denier sheerness which is fine enough to say “come hither” at the same time as they effectively obscure the blemishes you may have picked up shaving or falling out of trees in your youth. Glide happily from day to night without being out of place, any place. Comfortably too, as cool as they are. I can distinguish no material difference between the look and feel of these relative to the marquee Spanx line of sheers. Possibly just a little softer even, but with at least 99% shared DNA in the pretty little family. Yeah, at nearly half the price.

Price must always be a consideration though. At $12.00, these retail at 2X of a recently reviewed entry from Sears. Are they twice as good? By any objective measurement, no. But there must be some subjective impulses we follow, and follow these I will. Good, strong scores all around with high Random Merit points for the waist construction. Even burdened with a not-everyday-wear price point, the Assets Perfect Pantyhose slide and shimmer into 8th spot on the crowded Pantyhose Parade Podium with 162.1 points in a mathematical tie (our very first) with Victoria’s Secret Flatter-Me Control top. I drop Victoria a notch down by virtue of the truth that she exists only in imaginations while Sara exists in the flesh. Truly, there is a woman I could go shopping with. Any of these terrific tights are, to me, go-to choices if what you are out for a just a little less of you and a little more of oomph. Just please take care of them, and they will take care of you.

Happy Dressing, and everything else…