My minutely considered editorial calendar, beautiful
friends, was torn entirely asunder upon receipt of a loving and welcomed
comment just this morning. You know who you are, my Dear Anonymous pen pal. You
moved me greatly today. Thank you.
I do not know the why behind Petra. I have looked long and have not cornered the prey. This Golden Fleece is on the protected species list,
never to be pursued with vigor, and left to roam peaceful, unperturbed by my
clumsy footfalls.
I do know precisely why I write though. Much of that why
comes down to the periodic payoff of a nice word from a reader. Terribly
shallow of me I know. The work itself should be sufficient dividend, yes? Hmmm.
Well theoretically, yes. But while I have over the decades attained a few
precious and sometimes pharmaceutically aided moments of clarity, I simply do not
live on a very high plateau of self-actualization. Periodic roses tossed in the
path go an awful long way with me.
And so, thanks again, Anon the Third. Especially for the
pleasant reminder of my encounter with Leisl in the Belk bargain shoe racks way back in springtime ’09. A very special day for me. I had a happy return to
this same sort of unexpected intimacy while out in the Vanilla
world all Tuti Fruti’d up a couple of Fridays ago. I’ll tell the tale here
today and come back to bigger picture observations about the Southern Comfort Conference the next time that time allows.
........................................................................
It was a sunny Friday, my Day 2 of SCC, after a perfect makeup
session with Monica Prata of Nouveau She, and a smart luncheon of grilled
chicken salad. Ashley and others of the pretty Minnesota cohort jumped a ride
with me to Perimeter Mall for a little shopping therapy. I got a too hung up in
Ann Taylor for my friends, and so we parted ways in part so that I could continue to rifle racks
and fondle frocks.
I recognized the woman who was helping me. I had a particular thing in mind, and asked her where I might find it.
“Where o where … forgive me, I am just here today from my
home store at Northpoint, not sure I know where things are quite yet…”
“No worries, take your time”, says I, “ you have helped me out on a couple
of occasions there and I love your style”.
I have written before how the private sanctuary and world of wonderful mirrors is a place of near religious revelation for me. Honest,
open, and intimate moments happen here amongst the girls. Moments that chaps cannot
buy for money. Very enlivening moments on a good day. Did I mention I was
having a great day?
Bag dumped on the booth bench, booties kicked off, side-zip
slacks peeled down, the flowing lace overlay skirt pulled up, zipped up,
and door swung open for the short toddle over to the fiercely opinionated 3
way. An interrupted toddle as it happened.
“What do you think? ...” the stranger posed of me, indicating the plum pencil skirt she had shimmied on.
“I like it. I do. What’s the occasion, Oooh, and turn for me
would you?”
Her skirt hit a couple of inches north of beautiful, dark
complexioned knee, The blouse threw off complementary floral sparks of pink. Fit and curved, lovely altogether from bare foot to popping smile,
bright eyes and swept hair.
She pirouetted and seemed not to mind my rather baritone
register.
“First date. And he is younger, only by a few years, but you
know how men are, I just don’t want to be … too old. I just don’t know if this
does it…”
“You’ll be fine. For starters you are beautiful, honestly,
and if he doesn’t get that, he shouldn’t get past a first date. Show again? How
did you meet him?”
“Oh, friends hooked us up, they always worry about me, I
have been out of the dating game so long and you know I don’t mind really, but
it all tugs at me you know?”
Honestly darlings, I do not know. I perceive that dating is
mostly pure and utter awkwardness, dashed hopes, dropped standards and
disappointments, and I thank the cosmos daily that I have been sidelined for 17
years. But that leap into the unknown, the need for optimism, the hope for
Prince or Princess Charming, I can still summon up electric memories and a bellyful
of butterflies at the thought.
“OK. Listen up: forget your age, you are a stunner. What about the guy?
What do you know about him? Will he want to talk football?”
“Golf. I think. Yeah, he is supposed to be a golfer.”
“OK, quick primer. The Tour Championship is in town this
weekend over at Eastlake. It is a cliffhanger. Tiger Woods has a shot at the
win, but he is in tough against Brant Snedeker and Rory Mcilroy. Eastlake is
where Bobby Jones learned to play, legendary place. Ask him if he is watching
the tournament and that should wind him up for at least a few minutes.”
Chit chat continued in open volleys over the walls of our
adjoining confession booths on this that and the other thing. The lady who was
helping her out was not really hitting the fashion mark. Wrong sizes and colors and out
of the who-knows-where suggestions where being pried in the door and I could
just feel the tension building. We stepped out to the mirror together again
with the area to ourselves.
“She just doesn’t get it. Honestly is she listening ?... "she
said helping me up with my zip “ Oh but I like that. You like?”
I only nearly liked the dress, just a little drapey for me.
I am slender at the waist and hate to give up this pleasant inheritance simply
for the sake of an of-the-moment silhouette (ed. Vanity, thy name is Petra…).
And so it continued. We talked. Zipped. Unzipped. She talked
me out of the strappy sandals, and she was right. Too high a tone and too low a
heel for my liking but tempting still. It is lovely and necessary sometimes to have a
suspicion confirmed by a woman with an admitted shoe addiction. She got the
skirt. I talked her down a size, a size she didn’t believe in, but one that
worked a charm on her.
She was bright, alert, and absolutely paying attention. It
was plain to see, and plainer to hear, that I was equipped with a non-standard
solitary X chromosome, not a fully pledged member of the Sorority, plain as day
that I am not, in the broadly accepted way, a woman.
And it just did not matter, did it?
Maybe my difference did matter to her. Perhaps she was
spinning the karmic wheel, whispering goodness to the universe and paying
forward a small measure of acceptance. A measure of acceptance that I am sure
she has been denied by people with a pale complexion as she stood hopefully at
one crossroads or another needing only a smile and an encouraging word.
Maybe my difference didn’t matter. Perhaps the fitting room warren
is very much like a train minus the jostling and unsettling aromas, with a
destination and separate paths bought and paid for and soon, complete with
virtual bungee cords that save us all the effort and hurt of the endured
commitment to kindness.
And maybe goodness and openness is just good and open. Free
and priceless when a moment presents and the spirits conspire.
We parted with a hug. I did not ask her name, and I did not
volunteer mine. She won’t read this blog post. And we are likely not to see or
recognize each other again. But I am hopeful of a couple of things:
I hope her date did not talk golf. I hope he asked her about
a favorite meal, the best smell ever, or a sunset that she would not trade for
gold. I hope he told her about a terribly embarrassing moment in his life, one
where he prayed the ground would swallow him whole but that he can laugh about
now. I hope he held the door. I hope he lost track of time. I hope he wanted
the privilege of more of her company, and asked for it like he meant it.
I hope she said no when he pressed for yes. I hope she did
not need to look over her shoulder when her key hit the door to know that he
was watching every gorgeous, womanly step she took walking away from him,
desirable as all hell get out as she no doubt looked.
Yes, I do know how men are.
........................................................................
Postscript. An open letter to Anonymous 3.
I did intend to write today. At the start of the day I had
not picked the lock on a theme or approach to the labor. Your comment cleared
a path and cheered me up.
I have thought of you today, and projected myself into your
life a little. Five years, cold turkey as you say, is a daunting thing. I
reckon though that there will be such a time for me. A time when the clothes do not
fit, where the outer surfaces do not meet the inner dreams sufficiently, a time
when this appetite diminishes as many other appetites have in my life.
I do not know you from Eve. But I believe that you have
access to a beautiful measure of your inner Eve. I want to live my whole
life hanging on to mine for dear life. She makes the outer Adam much more
agreeable whatever he is wearing, doesn’t she?
Sincere thanks for your visit.
Much love to you all.
Posts
3 comments:
Difficult to compress into a few words what I'd like to say to you, dear Petra. The passing of the years hasn't softened the clamouring of my inner Eve - far from it - there are times when it's hard to bear but that's the path I've chosen.
Like you, I'm not a joinee.. I'm not sure I could take a hotels-worth of us. I don't write that out of some misplaced snobbery but it's the company and acceptance of women I seek. After years of denial, I was finally able to open up and speak honestly to ladies in shops and they without exception responded positively to me with an almost imperceptible change of gear. Suddenly I found that subjects that were previously verboten were now discussed freely with me. It's that that I cherish and that that I miss deeply. We're now retired and our pattern of life is such that it would be virtually impossible for me to return home with an armful of shopping - so you can see how much of a lifeline your blog is to me.. particularly when you strike the world of GGs a glancing blow. The Leisl encounter was a classic and it left me wishing that you'd met up for coffee and a longer chat. It's ladies like her that we need to convince that, deep down, we love women and their world to bits.
Anon 3!
Petra, I just love your writing and this post is a classic! Nice to see you back.
Calie
Forgive me for focusing straight in on just one aspect of your post, dear Petra, but your comments on dating are what hit home most for me.
One of the great gifts that Janie has brought to my life is the opportunity to get out there and try my hand at dating.
Those "electric memories and a bellyful of butterflies" and above all the "hope for Prince Charming," as you put it, are so exhilarating - all the more so because the flip-side risk of loneliness is not a factor. I know that my long, strong relationship with my GF is always there for me.
To have to date in earnest, looking for a primary relationship, is not something I would ever want to do again. Like you, I am glad to be sidelined (hopefully permanently) from that.
But think how good we might be at it, given the insights our femininity has brought to us, not to mention the experience of seeing things from the other side. Your near-to-closing remarks about your hopes for the dance within the date evidence a true understanding of the feminine spirit - and of romance.
You are a poet and a lover.
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