The Pantyhose Parade has been a regular feature of these Voyages en Rose from the very beginnings of this blog, upon my realization that my hosiery crush was a lasting thing, not just two hips that dress up in tights. I have done a fair old whack of shopping in my attempts to accurately map these sheer seas and have, for my labors, full drawers groaning under the weight of several lifetimes of pretty leg wear. Now, not only am I running out of storage space, I think that I have practically tapped out my well of metaphor. Therefore here today, I conclude this series with wrap up notes on my recent chaotic and quixotic romp through the world of high-waisted, super-slimming pantyhose.
I have no doubt, dear friends, that I will offer up unsolicited opinions about tights here from time to time. You may have need of more regular and passionate discourses on this topic though, so I direct your attention to the passionate and shockingly knowledgeable Treacle, proprietress of the Stocking and Lingerie Addict Blog for your daily fixes. She really knows her stuff, and looks far, far better than I.
And so, on with the show, such as it is. I will start with the tournament results, present the relative rankings, and then finish up with some off-color commentary.
Our Winner, with 225.6 Petra's Pantyhose Points, is the L’eggs Profiles Waist Smoother Toner. Remarkable comfort, appearance and durability for a smallish investment of $8.00. I did not place as high a scoring value on price within this ranking exercise, but the pennies do add up my dears, do they not? The pennies in fact seemed to have decided things for us here, and both of the value priced L’eggs entries ascended to the Medal podium, sharing honors with a stellar contestant from Donna Karan. The scoring table is presented below (ed.click images for a better view, I hate to think of you squinting)
With money taken out of the equation, the DK’s would handily tromp the rest of the field. A truly gorgeous garment, luxurious to the touch and to the eye. As dressy as you would ever need for a big night on the town. The Spanx efforts, well made as they are, simply lack a little magic in the leg. I would love to be able to say nicer things about the Ann Taylors', fond as I am of the shop, but I simply cannot. Premium price for a run of the mill product is never a recipe for success. Ann m’dear, if your hosiery mill pulls ups their game a bit, I will pull your hose up my gams once again.
Now after all of this effort, if you are feeling an urge to shop, stow it for a moment. Aunty Petra wants a few words with you here. Shapewear is a godsend. Beautiful, fashionable sheers are too. But one simply cannot ask one garment to effectively do the job of two. For starters, the economics are not there. A terrific waist whittling shaping brief can be had for $20-30, and with care will last 30-50 wearings. There is absolutely no way to get 30 days of wear out of a pair of sheers. If you ladder a pair of everyday sheers, and you are out of pocket for a little. Ladder a pair of high waist pantyhose, and you have in effect thrown away a perfectly good girdle. You will be better off hedging your bets and buying things separately.
There is a pretty big functional problem associated with these tights too. Functions of nature specifically. Unless you have the constitution of a camel, there is a likely requirement for relief at some point in your day. Pulling a dress up, pulling these down, and reverse repeating the process requires Houdini like flexibility, and the athletic grace of a Nureyev. If you have that, jolly good for you, but you will have probably worked up a little facial glow by the conclusions of your struggles that may require a reapplication of setting powder.
The all-in-ones are simply not there from a other functional perspectives either. All of our contenders to one degree or another, pooled at the waistband, thereby mooting the promised smoothing benefits of the garment. Right tool for the job is a good rule to live by, and rare is the case that a multi-function tool is the right tool. This is not one of those rare cases.
If you are looking to slim the silhouette, smooth various bits out, and help make a hot dress look red hot, the options are endless. Have a look around you and you may notice that overweight and out of shape is the norm (at least here in America and to a large extent, the UK). The size of the problem, so to speak, assures a rich variety of solutions on the shelves. So go shopping, with a friend who knows her way around if you can. Failing that, trust the nice lady in the lingerie department at a Macy’s or Sears nearby. Believe me, you will not be their first client with special needs.
With all of that said then, beyond catering to my own borderline obsession with legwear in general, I cannot find a single reason for enduring a day in a pair of high waisted sheers. But I started this damned-fools errand, and so am relieved now that it is finished. Your suggestions on shapewear and sheers, as always, welcomed here. Comment freely friends.
Happy dressing, and everything else…