Petra’s Pantyhose Parade – Wednesday Special – No Nonsense II

Food critics will always visit a restaurant at least twice, and often more, before rendering a judgment that may in the future reflect unfairly on the establishment, or call their own taste into question. Well, when this cross dressing hosiery critic first reviewed No Nonsense in February of this year, it was an off night for pantyhose. In fact, I could not wait to get them off. Full review linked here, but here is the pithy conclusion:

… They breath poorly. I know that after a long day confined in a nice fitting pair of day sheers it is an airy pleasure peeling them off, but I was a mere 15 minutes in captivity and starting to get itchy. The prospects of the full day loomed as impossible. I thought perhaps I was experiencing vicarious hot flashes, remembered my commitment to you, and settled in for the day. It wasn’t a delight friends. And 2 hours into it, I threw in the towel. And then I toweled off….

My word, that was bitchy. Not entirely what I like to hear from myself.

I did promise in that review to revisit No Nonsense (ed. after a court ordered trial separation) to see if perhaps I was just a little harsh, just a little snippy to our hard-working, earnest, and modestly priced friends. It seemed to me that after swanning around the globe to slide Chinese, English and Italian hosiery up my all too willing legs, that I might just stay near to home, enjoy some domestic comfort food, and perhaps have a sunnier disposition about the No Nonsense brand.

And so, with an open mind (ed. short memory?), and all the good will in the world, I snapped up a pair of Smart Support Control Tops, to go back for seconds.

A handful of things made this model interesting to me. First, the promise of an Ultra Sheer Leg. Second, the nude shade, Beige Mist suited my complexion well from what I could gather from the package. These 2 things together improved the likelihood that my new Smart Controls would be a great warm weather option.

The last thing that intrigued was the concept of Graduated Compression. Now, having flunked out of two truly superb universities, I rather hoped that a pair of Graduated Pantyhose would help complete me somehow. The idea of graduated compression is to provide a tighter weave on the lower parts of the leg so that the nylons provide a little of the circulatory oomph that nature loses with time. Terrific concept, and Nobel-worthy to my thinking. And yet again, graduation has failed to impact the odd trajectory of my life. Periodically, oxygen does not make it to my brain in full enough supply, but my legs seem fine without the help. I simply could not feel the difference.

So, on to the rest of the product. Polite applause only my dear friends. On the plus side there is care taken making the product. The seams are well finished, the toe is tidy, the panty portion is firm and comfortable, the waist band does not roll, and really, they look attractive enough. Attractive is at the heart of the problem though: what attracts the eye are the pantyhose, and not the legs. A good pair of pantyhose becomes one with the leg, and makes the leg more attractive. This weeks model simply sit on top of the leg. Ultra Sheer is an overpromise. Lastly, while not quite so warm on the leg as the Silk Indulgence model, they are still a tad cozy.

Dear friends, for the price ($3.99), they are a good performer. One should not I suppose expect greatness from the spare change you can shake out of your purse. A high grade (7.0) for fit, but 4.5 – 5.5 for the all important finish, style and feel criteria. 1.0 only for random merit. I could not imagine wearing these to my own funeral. I might wear them while selecting my grave site if the place was completely overgrown and likely to tear a run in a finer pair, but that is as close as they would get to my eternal and eternally sheer place of rest. All of this contibutes to a 15th place rank out of 20 tested pairs. Furthermore the Silk Indulgence has laddered over time from 9th, when first tested to its' present 17th place perch.

These No Nonsense Control Tops are the 20th pair of pantyhose reviewed here in this ongoing and hopefully endless parade. Tomorrow, a look back on The Year of Living Hosiery©. It’s a fitting time to reflect on what I have learned to date before getting busy with a new autumn rush of tights.

Ta ra till then, happy dressing, and etc…

Petra's Pantyhose Parade - No Nonsense, and I mean it.

Pantyhose have, to me at least, much in common with wine. I go through a lot of both for starters. Beyond that, the quality, consistency and value for the dollar of both have improved in recent years, with great strides made at the lower end of the cost continuum. There are $3.00 bottles of wine out there that are not offenses to the palette. You might not want to drink them nightly, but in the unlikely event of a global financial crisis, you could find a way. Lets hope we never see the day.

Ahem. This week, we approach the $3.00 pantyhose threshold my dear, sheer-legged friends. This price bracket has historically been owned by off-brand, convenience store emergency pantyhose that would be better used in the commission of a robbery or at best, straining whey from churned milk. You know the ones. By reputation only of course, I am quite certain. Goodness knows, we are a standards based society here.

But we are not snobs and our labor continues, this epic exploration delivered in weekly installments, charting a map of the universe of pantyhose. Fearless and foolhardy, Quixotic and all-consuming, and far beyond the corrupting influence of those vendors who would tempt me into a control top trap in return for undeservedly favorable reviews. I think. Nobody has attempted a bribe yet. I remain hopeful that I will someday test my resolve.

In any event, regular readers (I would like to recognize my parole officer, Mr. Abernathy) know the drill. For you first time visitors, here is the routine: I buy them, wear them, rate them and save Crossdressers the trouble of buying something that won’t appeal. Don’t mention it, really, there are upsides for me. So for this week, we fly under the $3.00 radar dressed only in No Nonsense Silk Indulgence Control Tops.

Before putting them on though, to better set the mood and to appeal to my own twisted sense of irony, I opened a bottle of Norman Vineyards No Nonsense Meritage. I am not kidding you. This is a fine and well regarded Paso Robles vineyard. They do not have a $3.00 offering. Their elegant Bordeaux style blend does however get my muse singing. Here goes:

No Nonsense is what the package promises and exactly what the product provides. But who amongst us does not want a little nonsense? I contend that if what we wanted was no nonsense, we would likely not be wearing pantyhose. There is something inherently nonsensical about pantyhose. And that is a part of what draws me to them. They are capricious, whimsical, frail and eye catching. They hide imperfections, capture light and demand attention. They are as light as air, and yet they insist on your attention at your every move. They are romantic and beguiling. They exist in a universe that values not practicality. No Nonsense is attempting to create a parallel and practical universe, and this is a universe I am sure that I want a one-way ticket to.

When I liberated my new hose from their practical, plastic, purse friendly pouch, it was clear at first touch that I was getting great value. They feel fine and are well made. They applied themselves to my legs well and took shape comfortably around by hips and butt. Perfectly serviceable. If No Nonsense was a girl in your Junior year Algebra class, you would say that she has a nice personality, and would be happy to dance with her.

In fact, you really want to look closely to find things to quibble about. The panty is just plain. I can live with that. The 14% Spandex leg shows the horizontal strands too clearly. True, very few people will get close enough to notice, but if you spend any time looking at your own legs, you will. And then, just when you are considering that you are being too harsh on these hardworking, high value hose you begin to feel the heat building on your leg.

They breath poorly. I know that after a long day confined in a nice fitting pair of day sheers it is an airy pleasure peeling them off, but I was a mere 15 minutes in captivity and starting to get itchy. The prospects of the full day loomed as impossible. I thought perhaps I was experiencing vicarious hot flashes, remembered my commitment to you, and settled in for the day. It wasn’t a delight friends. And 2 hours into it, I threw in the towel. And then I toweled off.

I am not done with No Nonsense. I have heard too many good things from too many smart girls. I will test a more sheer version. The lure of the < $3.00 pair is considerable. A perfect offering in this category is not likely, but I want a better offering than this weeks sacrificial pair.

And now to the rankings. The chart compares the No-Nonsense next to their closest price point competitors, L’eggs so that you can judge (and argue if you like) their relative merits. No Nonsense winds up in 9th place out of 11th tested competitors. Our sleek and cool L’eggs remain at respectable 4th and 6th.

Talk amongst yourselves. Or leave a comment here. Next week, I am going to go out on a second date with Donna Karan. She called me up and promised me that we would have even more fun than last time out. I think the world of her, but am just not certain that I can afford such a glossy girl in the long run. I so enjoyed my bottle of No Nonsense wine though that I simply could not say no….

Wish me luck! Happy dressing and everything else...